So it was Valentine’s Day this past weekend and it got me thinking about love a bit. Even though I hate the whole commercial vibe around this day I couldn’t avoid being confronted with it. As everywhere I went during the past week, heart-shaped objects were pushed upon me. Whether it were the strawberries and whipped cream that were both on discount in the supermarket or the chocolate, flowers or even the heart shaped bread rolls that were created especially for this day, everywhere I went I was overloaded with Valentine crap.
You may say I sound a bit bitter. But I prefer to call it at my guard instead.
As these days I always walk around with a gun in my purse, ready to shoot cupid out of the sky whenever I see him. After cupid set me up with some pretty bad choices I do not seem to trust his humble opinion anymore. So just in case. I’m walking around armed.
I’ve decided some time ago I would not make time for love anymore. At least not anytime soon as I found there are plenty of other things in this life half as interesting but far less destructive.
I keep my focus on building dreams, on my own, with nobody to drag me down while I’m busy climbing.
I feed my heart with the endless lust for travels and adventure while preferring deeds over dating when it comes to men.
And while I was walking around, with one hand on my gun and the other one picking out my groceries, passing all those heart shaped boxes and the “would you be my Valentine? postcards”, somewhere in between the sights , yearning and groaning I couldn’t help but wonder; What happened to those days I kind of liked a little unexpected romance in my life? When I was still open to let love hit me in the face even though it sometimes hurt a bit?
Does that sense of romantic rebellions still flickers somewhere inside me?
The underlying desire for someone who, besides his hands, can’t keep his mind of me. Someone who makes my heart beat out of my chest and looks at me like I’m heaven sent. While at the same time knowing Goddamn well I’m no angel and adores every bit of that fact. The faith that there will be someone like that still out there and the courage to take a risk for it. Is it all still there? Somewhere in the corners of my complicated soul it must be.
But still dating seems so complicated these days especially with your head in the clouds trying to keep your feet on the ground.
It’s like walking around in a minefield with your eyes on the horizon not knowing if you will ever make it through alive.
It makes me uncomfortable even thinking about it. I wonder if it’s the dating scene that has changed or if it’s just me and my view on it. Seriously, what happened to those careless days? When little love affairs were just around the corner and cupid wasn’t influenced by social media hook ups and “ let’s fuck tonight” apps. What happened to the days our hearts were as open as our schedules? The time before the baggage and breakups began to weigh us all down or fear crawling up on us from out of little corners of our hearts. And we didn’t walk around with the burden of all that has been while building walls of protection against what might just could or should be.
What are we thinking, as ignorant as we are that we can actually plan to fall in love whenever it suits us?
Ignoring the fact it still remains something that just happens. In between all the mines and bullshit.
And I suddenly came to realize that no matter how far you travel or how much you run from it, you can’t really escape that little fucker with his heart shaped bow. And despite been well armed he will hit when you aren’t paying attention. Making sure it’s impossible to ignore the magic of a sudden love that strikes.
And you won’t even realize it until you find yourself walking in the grocery store, in between the heart shapes chocolate and bread rolls, suddenly longing for that someone to crawl too in between dreams and go on little adventures with.