Saudade and happiness

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While December is fading away, I find myself on the last day of this years December reflect on the previous year.

Like every year this day got me wondering around on a little nostalgic clouds of thoughts. Thoughts on the concept of time, of how it passes no matter what happens, but for some reason the day before new years I am always more aware of all of it. Maybe it is because I always seem to remember exactly what I was doing on the 31st of December a year ago.

Today I remember how I woke up exactly a year ago with a weight on my heart indescribable and in no mood at all to end the year in a festive way. At the very last moment I decided to rush to my family on the other side of town to see my aunt. Because I already knew back then what I know today. And how, now today, I am so grateful for that moment and happy that I did what I did. All that with a smile on my face even though I miss and I mourn.

Today, like every year it is all so different. Another year has passed, a year filled with loss and lessons and therefore a lot of life. I’ve been thinking a lot about the person that I am, and want to be, fully, as myself, as a friend, a lover, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a poet, an artist, as a woman and as a human being. I am proud that I left what was not meant for me so I can get a little closer to who I truly need to be. I have been learning and I’ve been living, been hurt and have given, while sometimes got nothing in return but another experience. And I can say that all the experiences that this past year of life gave to me have helped me grow a little more into the skin of the human being I long to be.

I feel so blessed with the new life we may have welcomed within our family, the beautiful places I have traveled to. The people I have met, friends I have gained, and the ones I have lost. I think about how I found the way back to my own heart again underneath the orange trees. How I danced on the street to Pharrel singing that I was going to get lucky. And how I realize now that I already got lucky. With all the warmth and support I have felt yet again through the loss and life lessons and with the strength that lies deep in me. I am lucky and blessed.

I try not to have too many wishes for the New Year, but most of all just to be grateful. With the realization that every day a new year starts, and every day can be first the day of a new year. Every day I have the opportunity to overthink the previous year of my life and start with a change if I want too. And so are you. I decide to not let all the negative or sad things in life change me but simply grow me more into the person I am suppose to be

That growth makes me grateful for all of it. I am breathing, I am alive. I am cracked and I am bruised, been lost and confused, finding my way through this jungle called life. I am Jones. And for all those who still want to be in that negative energy I hope the next year may split your hearts right open to let the light back in.

Happy new year to all.

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